"What do you want to be when you grow up?"

"What do you want to be when you grow up?"

by Michael Espinoza



"What do you want to be when you grow up?"
A foolish thing to ask the very young.
The first time I was asked, I said "A dentist."
How glad I am now that I've changed my mind!
Oh, learning facts about our teeth was fun,
But I don't have the stomach for a job
Where I would spend my day in people's mouths,
Especially if they chose not to care
For their own teeth--God bless those who can do it!
But such disgusting work is not for me.
Nor do I care to be responsible
For other people's health--nor can I keep
My cool in an emergency at all.
I wasn't old enough to know it yet
That this was just a passing fad, and not
A lifelong passion--I was far too young
For these two things to show their difference!

The next thing that I answered was to work
In paleontological pursuits:
To study dinosaurs and also to
Work in a natural history museum.
As popular as dinosaurs were then,
I didn't know the name of such a job:
I'd never heard it said on TV shows
Addressed at kids when they asked what we wanted
To be when we grew up.  But that dream stuck
For years, so that I thought it was my goal.
Yet over time another love snowballed
In competition with my dino love:
Desire to make up stories--yes, in prose,
But in a lot of other media
As well.  Still, now I said that what I wanted
To be when I grew up was this: "A writer."
But I still knew I needed steady money.

And so instead of majoring in English,
I tried to think of day jobs I could do.
And all that I could think of otherwise,
In terms of lifelong passions, were twofold:
My love of dinosaurs as well as canids--
Both dogs and wolves, inspired by Jack London.
(Admittedly I've never read his work.)
And so combining these I thought that I
Could work with animals for steady income.
And so I majored in Biology--
Which turned out not to be the thing to do.
What fascinated me was history,
And social interactions plus their looks,
And my concerns of welfare and of the
Environment--but that's not what I learned
In my required courses towards my major.
(I didn't bother talking to advisors.)

I learned the hard way that Biology's
About how bodies fit together and
How they're supposed to function (and how not)
And so it's close to veterinary work.
But I already knew that that was not
The work I hoped to do--and worst of all
Was studying Organic Chemistry.
I couldn't wrap my brain around this course!
That should have been a sign for me to quit
But I chose not to do so--I was close,
So close to getting my degree, and I
Just didn't want to give it up, and fall
Behind my academic peers for once,
Instead of just the opposite--my pride
Thus made me stick it out, until I had
To face the question: "Now what do I do?"
(I really hadn't any more ideas.)

Because I overlooked the obvious,
I found myself without a job for years.
But then I came back to the Catholic Church
Because of reason and of evidence--
And that was just the greatest thing for me!
When I discerned vocations, I concluded
That I was meant for the religious life--
To be a friar, more especially
A friar from the Order of the Preachers,
Which means I'd teach and preach the faith to others,
Refuting heresies--things that I've loved
(Albeit not in a religious sense)
Since my first memories that I recall.
While not all kinds of leadership are good
For me specifically, that means that I
Was wrong rejecting teaching altogether.
(I loved my classes more than student teaching.)

But I still needed full-time work before
They'd let me into a religious order.
That was my logjam for the longest time--
I needed steady work, and didn't know
A thing to do that I would 1) enjoy
And have the skill for, and 2) have the background,
Both education and experience,
For such a job.  And searching was a headache--
I never found a thing, and all it did
Was make me hate it.  I was left in childhood.
It's only now that I'm embracing two
Of my great loves that I specifically
Rejected years ago: both Education
And Literature also--still, it's good
That I have learned more since I'm out of school,
And now I can pursue a wiser path.
(Including talking to advisors now.)

At first I thought that I would major in
The English Language, then in that and Film--
Because I narrowed down my skills and passions
Into two categories--things to teach
(Of which the language is foundation) and
Creative and artistic skills which can
Combine in animated musicals.
I also chose these two because it seems
We're victims of a false dichotomy
Regarding what a story is and what
It ought to be and can be--what I mean
Is that two sides believe one single lie,
Interpreting the lie in opposition
So as to look like opposite extremes.
(To thank for this I have two men: for one,
The author Orson Scott Card; for the other,
A man whom I know as "Confused Matthew".)

And these two opposite interpretations
Of one false premise seem to be propped up
On one hand by the English Literature
Departments in our universities
And colleges, and on the other hand,
The motion picture industry--and so
I thought it best to get into both fields
So that I could improve them from within:
Expose this false dichotomy for one,
Providing an alternative for other.
Good literature isn't something which
You need interpret outside of the text;
And neither is a writer unskilled labor
That anyone can do, so that producers
Can hire them and fire them at will.
(I wanted English Language for myself
So I would not depend on what I hated.)

Side note: while some good use just might exist,
It seems most ways that English Literature
Departments justify themselves in college
And university means wrecking stories
For those of us who love to hear a tale--
And telling us that that's "intelligent"
And loving other stories is for kids.
But not just that--it also leads to having
Requirements for students in all majors,
Including English Literature, of course:
A thing which should not be in colleges,
But only in the kindergarten through
The twelfth grade education levels--which
then leads to telling people if they don't
Pay university tuition,
That means they're stupid, lazy, or
They're poor--instead of being normal people.

That also leads to skimping on the schooling
Of K through 12, so that a graduate
From high school now knows less than in the past,
So that he has to go to college now
To get the education he deserves.
Not only that, but mandatory schooling
In public education systems funded
By government--at best, homeschooling is
Now frowned upon, where freemen should embrace it.
This haughty literary attitude
Leads also to the segregation of
Non-literary genres from the shelves
In bookstores saying "Literature/Fiction".
Apologizing for the length of this,
That's why I'm reticent to teach in college
An English Literature class--and K
Through 12 would likely be too similar.

The point is, that's why I decided not
To major in the Literature branch
Of English, but the Language branch instead.
But since I thought all signs now pointed to
My majoring in English and/or Film,
I thought of going back to school and take
Creative Writing: Fiction and Screenwriting.
However, after Frank Klepacki came
To guest speak in Creative Writing: Fiction,
I thought to rearrange my many skills
And passions into hierarchy based
On which are most important to me now
And which I can afford to wait on later.
In doing so I narrowed these all down
To only six: philosophy and math,
And history and making stories up,
And singing and voice acting topped them off.

So English Language didn't make the cut,
And nor did Film.  But still, I liked these six
Because philosophy and math relate
To logic--"logos"--where the other four
Relate to story--"mythos"--and combined,
"Mythos" plus "logos" make "mythology".
But though some possibilities include
Electives and a minor in a field
Instead of majoring in that, I needed
To think it over one more time, because
I had to narrow down these six to three
(at most) if I decided now to major
In studies multidisciplinary.
I still could take electives or a minor,
But majoring in two fields separately
Would take a longer time and much more money.
I felt that math was something to delete.

It would be good to translate to a mind
That doesn't do as well in math or logic,
But if I do not specialize in something,
I neither need to teach such things to others,
And so the only math that people need
Is algebra, arithmetic and also
Geometry--but these are taught before
A student comes to college, meaning that
I'd teach at high school level at the oldest,
And outside Catholic setting I don't want
To teach teenagers or kids who are younger,
Unless they're mine, and I suspect already
That I'm not called to holy Matrimony,
Which means I shouldn't have kids of my own,
To whom to teach it.  Therefore math was out.
At first I thought Philosophy should stay,
Plus History and English for the three.

I thought that this made sense for a foundation
Of education, based on Aristotle's
Three faculties of man: first knowing, then
The second's doing, and the third is making.
Philosophy comes of our knowledge learned;
And History provides examples of
Morality, a better way of teaching
Than telling other people what to do;
The ultimate in making anything
Is sub-creation brought to life by fiction,
Suggesting a Creative Writing course--
And any fiction must communicate.
Since poetry's superior to prose,
Creative Writing: Poetry's another
To take--both can be found in English, so
I thought these three were best for me to keep.
However, I would change my mind on this.

For later God inspired me to think
About it in a different way: of these,
Which did I want to learn about, and teach,
And which did I prefer to actually do?
Concluding that the only one I wanted
To learn about and teach was History
Helped lots!  Now I could really cut out math,
Because unless I specialized in something
Which I don't plan to do, the only job
I know that uses math specifically
Is teaching it--which I don't want to do,
For reasons I've explained above already.
But now I felt that I could also cut
Philosophy--because I can apply
These two to any job that I pursue,
And I would rather do that than to learn
More of them and to teach these fields to others.

That cut it down to four--now in the home stretch,
I needed only one more field cut out.
I also needed to remind myself
That just because it was no concentration,
That didn't mean I couldn't take electives
In that same field--so now which field would I
Decide to settle for electives only?
History, or Theatre, or English,
Or Music?  Even this was difficult.
I almost cut out English once again,
Because while you can study it and teach,
And also can critique it (not for me)--
And you can write some fiction of your own
(And poetry as well), there is no way,
At least not in a formal occupation,
Outside of reading audiobooks aloud,
For telling stories and reciting poems.

The closest thing to oral storytelling
We have in terms of formal occupations
Is standup comedy--is being funny,
Is making up a punchline for to laugh at.
The field of comedy needs someone who
Will keep it clean and truly make it funny,
So I don't want to rule this out completely,
But neither do I want to tell just jokes.
The closest thing to oral poetry
We have in terms of formal occupations
Is rapping, which is but subcultural--
Is African-American--besides,
I have no interest in hip-hop music.
Because of that combined with what I said
Of teaching English Literature meant
The only things left in an English major
Were Language and Creative Writing also.

But I'd decided I could wait on Language,
And Literature study wasn't for me,
But that left just Creative Writing, which
Would mean variety would come from me,
Not from the school--so would there be enough
Such courses for a major concentration?
Or would the English major be the one
That I would cut out from the four above?
But then two things occurred that changed my mind:
On one hand, for three concentrations only
I'd need so few from English that I might
Be able to enjoy myself with that.
The other thing is that I had decided
That what I liked about the Theatre
Was things that I could wait on--and the rest
Were so specific I could take electives.
So Theatre's the one that I've cut out.

I still intend to talk to some advisors,
But for the first time ever, I have goals:
I plan to study History, take English,
And also Music--with some job ideas.
With History there's teaching and museums;
I want to publish books of fiction and
Of poetry; I also want to be
A songwriter and singer--you could say,
Composing verses for performances.
I like this since it hearkens back to when
All storytelling was a new endeavor,
When people thought of it completely different
From how they do today: back then it was
That stories really happened (History),
That people told them orally, and that
They chose the words they'd use to tell the stories,
Which needed to be easy to remember.

They also must be pleasing to the ear,
And so these oral storytellers would
Find beauty in the language and make use
Of repetition patterns in the words.
Not only would that make it beautiful,
But use the words as clues to what came next--
In other words, these storytellers would
Compose a verse by which to tell their stories.
They told their stories not in prose, but in
Verse poetry, which they would then perform
By using their own voices to be heard.
But while a tuneless poem's simpler than
A song, which has a music tune besides,
That doesn't mean that songs came later only!
Indeed, it's only natural to add
A tune, since oral poetry is sound,
And all sound has a pitch--notes musical.

Besides, since we no longer have today
A formal occupation for reciting
Verse poetry without a tune unto
An audience, the only occupation
Where one composes verses to perform
Is in the music industry--songwriting.
And if someone within that field does not
Compose a tune, he's called a lyricist.
So even though a singer doesn't speak
A tuneless poem, people do compose
Mere words to be performed outside of what
I said before of audiobook recordings.
In sum, this is where I've been led to now,
And I have hopes this year to find some work.
I hope this is the year that things will change
For better--now that I have some ideas
Of where I'm going.  I hope you do too.

But this is why it's foolish to ask children
"What do you want to be when you grow up?"
If I'd had to commit myself to doing
The first thing that I said, I would have gone
To dental school and felt so unfulfilled--
And that's assuming that I kept my job,
Or found work in the first place!  My, oh my!
And now I think I've found a better calling,
I'm in my early thirties--well beyond
The age for people graduating from
A university or college and
Their entry to the workforce for their bread.
I'm grateful to my parents that I've had
A roof over my head and food to eat,
So that I've had the luxury of thinking
Despite my joblessness--I hope you won't
Need wait so long, but God will see you through.